after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
