I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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