when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize