Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
