I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I cuddled with a man named Pickles