ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
