I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he puts the penis in happiness.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
