so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
