I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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