Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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