My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
