I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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