Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Randomize
