Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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