Kareoke will never be a sober sport
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
