We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize