Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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