Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize