So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
