Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
