The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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