Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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