Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i now understand why vodka
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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