Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
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Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
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Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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