Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
