I want to have your abortion
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
