she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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