Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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