Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
