im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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