He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
