We're like a lot better than the average bears
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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