he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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