were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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