so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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