He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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