Just fell off a train. Bad.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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