Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
