Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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