i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Can you bring me the toilet please
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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