The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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