Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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