He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
