when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
