I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
