I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
