I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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