My sheets look like a crime scene.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
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Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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