you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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