i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
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