you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
