Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize