I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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