areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
