I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
