She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
