Already got asked if we're dating
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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